I haven't been here for so long! For lots of reasons really, but to be honest, a lot of it is due to shame & embarrasment. I have avoided coming on here to post a cheery, upbeat post because, truth be told, I have been feeling far from it. I have not wanted to post my real thoughts & life experience as I was frightened of expressing myself in words - putting it out there for the www to see. But as I am sitting here this morning, reading all my usual blogs, gaining insight & inspiration, I feel the need to share in the blogging community, because, who knows, there maybe someone somewhere going through a similar feeling.
As I posted, my husband and I seperated in October last year, I packed up the children and moved 2000 - odd kilometers back to South Australia. The reason I did that is because I discovered he was in a relationship whilst we were married. Now, we had both done things to contribute to the demise of our marriage: I am not blameless, but when I read the phone bills - detailing multiple phone calls to her on my 30th Birthday, and whilst Poppy was in hospital being operated on, the early mornings, middle of the night messages - I just knew - I had to maintain some scrap of dignity and walk away. Despite being in love with him, I just couldn't go through it.
Now, I have been told I should have stayed, but believe me, with all the things that had transpired in the past - I thought - he has truly moved on & I should just LET IT GO. I had poured almost 12 years of my life into this relationship: borne 4 children, given up my career and moved all over Australia in support of his career, spent the majority of my parenting with an absent husband, cooked, cleaned, maintained our finances, encouraged him, pushed him to go that bit harder and attend RMC... the list goes on. And he chose a single woman he works with, who has no children, ample finances and the freedom to go & do things I won't have for a long time... I was devastated. Heartbroken. Empty.
All my dreams, hopes for the future - dashed. My immediate future is a single mother's pension - 2 weekends off in 7 months and 3 damaged children who cry for their father. He's off to Europe with her in 2 weeks for a 'holiday' - whilst I am here, trying to maintain normality & sanity for my children. I am angry. I despair at my financial situation - not having spare money to pursue my love of craft has made my mental situation so much worse. Although, thank God I live in Australia & I am able to have food in the cupboard & a warm home thanks to said pension. I appreciate that I have so much more than so many other people.
It sounds so self-pitying - and for a long time I have been, to be honest, which in itself is embarrasing as I know it could be so much worse...
He won't come to his 'senses'. He has given up his family, his responsibilty & I can't let myself be disrespected or lower my worth anymore... I am worth more - his children are worth more. Even if he has washed his hands of us, I can't. I need to heal, regain my pride & give the children as much of me as possible.
I am still at TAFE, I have been a bit slack at going in recent times, I find being around such talented young people, whilst inspiring is also kind of depressing - they have their whole lives starting out - and I am restarting mine at 30 and feel behind the eight ball!
So, there you have it. That's my life in recent times. I just try to get up every day & put one foot in front of the other. Some days I trip - other days I get into bed at night & think "today was pretty good".
Thanks for listening WWW, and I hope I haven't scared you off! Now I have got this off my chest, I am hopeful I can kickstart my happy-go-lucky vibe & get back to doing what I love - bringing pieces of sunshine into my little blog & sharing them. :0)